A Heart in Hand IV

Choices that hurt  

(If you missed the beginning of the story, you can read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 right here)


"I need space, I need time for myself," I said.

He looked at me with his puppy eyes. What have I done wrong? What can I do, is there a way to make it better? I can be better.

"You have done nothing wrong. But I think this is the best decision right now, and I think we need time apart from each other."

"It is Amanda, right?" said Alex. "Amanda and I are just friends and nothing more. She was just dropping something off at the pathology lab and needed my guidance on filling out the forms."

I nodded and said it was okay. It is not her. It is not her fault. We are all fighting for the man. Everyone knows what is good.


As I was walking away, I could feel his eyes following me. I asked myself if he was crying, or just mad, or felt completely blindsided. Would mentioning Amanda have made it worse? Because it is like knowing that is the reason and you are trying to justify it without actually admitting it.

Somewhere in between the end of the surgery and dictating the surgical notes, I had sent an almost-breakup text to Jeff. Is a text message the most cowardly way to break up with someone? But here I am almost doing the same thing. What are even the worst ways to break up with someone? I asked myself. The worst would probably be on the wedding day, but I am too good for that. There goes the writer in me. Trying to make up an alternative ending to an already life-altering event ending anyway. At least we are not celebrities whose relationships are made public. And I had not put out any music asking where my husband was. So the message was simple: we talk after the first case.

 

I also wanted to cry, but I had made the decision. I spent an hour in the changing room reflecting on my choices that hurt. I wondered how I even ended up here. Am I being the monster in Alex's life and the absolute villain in Jeff's? Is being pragmatic being the death of me? There would always be the question of whether that was the right thing to do, but I think... 

I finally changed and went home to get the much-needed rest for the next day.




The next day

 

The patient, a hypertensive and diabetic male with a history of coronary artery disease and a status-post PCI three years ago, presented with unstable, refractory angina. A recent coronary angiogram revealed extensive, complex multi-vessel disease not amenable to further percutaneous intervention, making him an ideal candidate for elective CABG.

The saphenous vein was harvested from the leg, meticulously prepared, and kept in a heparinized solution while we gained access to the chest. I made a midline sternotomy, carefully dividing the tissue using electrocautery before achieving hemostasis and retracting the sternum. The pericardium was opened and suspended, exposing the arrested heart once the patient was successfully placed on cardiopulmonary bypass. I proceeded to graft the harvested vein to the aorta and the right coronary artery to bypass the blockage. "Suction, suction." Once the anastomoses were secured and air was meticulously de-aired from the root, the aortic cross-clamp was released. The heart restarted on its own rhythm, and the patient was successfully weaned off the bypass machine.


"That was a clean case," Jeff said.

"I got your message and wanted to know if we could talk. I was going to do this over a text message, but I think personally, face-to-face, is always the better choice. I think we have to call off the engagement."

"Is there a specific reason for this breakup? Do you just need time?"

"I think we should just focus on work for now. I think I am at the point in my life where my career has as high a priority as everything else. And I think that we should just be professional."

"You know how your dad would feel about this," he pressed.

"That is not what is important right now. Let's just focus on the patients instead."

I didn't know if he was trying to mock me or what was actually going on. But why the hell did Jeff decide to do his cardiothoracic fellowship in all places, but right here? Why couldn't he go somewhere else? Or was it all just his way of monitoring me?


I left the hospital building with a feeling of a weight being lifted. I was feeling so relieved that I would not have to deal with relationship drama at work, nor have a live broadcast of our private life playing out in the halls. It felt like waking up and being a superhero. Aren't I even a superhero already? And I can actually just focus on work at work. Besides, I kind of hit the lottery anyway. I have a child already. She is my heart. Every hug with her feels like having a heart in hand.

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Note: This wraps up the current arc of "A Heart in Hand," but there is still plenty of room to grow. If you'd love to see this expanded into a full-length novella or a complete novel exploring her journey further, let me know!