A Heart in Hand IV

Choices that hurt  

(If you missed the beginning of the story, you can read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 right here)


"I need space, I need time for myself," I said.

He looked at me with his puppy eyes. What have I done wrong? What can I do, is there a way to make it better? I can be better.

"You have done nothing wrong. But I think this is the best decision right now, and I think we need time apart from each other."

"It is Amanda, right?" said Alex. "Amanda and I are just friends and nothing more. She was just dropping something off at the pathology lab and needed my guidance on filling out the forms."

I nodded and said it was okay. It is not her. It is not her fault. We are all fighting for the man. Everyone knows what is good.


As I was walking away, I could feel his eyes following me. I asked myself if he was crying, or just mad, or felt completely blindsided. Would mentioning Amanda have made it worse? Because it is like knowing that is the reason and you are trying to justify it without actually admitting it.

Somewhere in between the end of the surgery and dictating the surgical notes, I had sent an almost-breakup text to Jeff. Is a text message the most cowardly way to break up with someone? But here I am almost doing the same thing. What are even the worst ways to break up with someone? I asked myself. The worst would probably be on the wedding day, but I am too good for that. There goes the writer in me. Trying to make up an alternative ending to an already life-altering event ending anyway. At least we are not celebrities whose relationships are made public. And I had not put out any music asking where my husband was. So the message was simple: we talk after the first case.

 

A heart in hand III

Emergency Sternotomy

(If you missed the beginning of the story, you can read Part 1  and Part 2 right here)

I am a babymama and a heart surgeon.

The first part of my life I try to hide. No one at my workplace knows that I even have a child. I was one of those high school romances where you are stupidly in love and not thinking of the consequences.

I got lucky, because my parents were ready to cover it up for me. My mother took her as her own baby, and everyone thought she was my little sister—a beautiful new addition. With this illusion, I was able to complete high school and move on to medical school. I don't know if one can call it bad luck in good luck, because the father is in a totally different country. Since this is a secret unknown to many, let me keep it safe and enjoy being a babymama in peace. After all, the arrangement was that he also leaves me in peace. Still, it is not much of a secret if I am telling you all the juicy details now. I don't know how to say this, but I feel like if I say it out loud, I am putting myself out there as less of a mother. Sometimes I feel like I haven't even earned the title of mother because other people did the heavy lifting so that I could be the heart surgeon I am today. I don't know if other people relate to this or if I am thinking way too much about things that no one is even looking into.