Emergency Sternotomy
(If you missed the beginning of the story, you can read Part 1 and Part 2 right here)
I am a babymama and a heart surgeon.
The first part of my life I try to hide. No one at my workplace knows that I even have a child. I was one of those high school romances where you are stupidly in love and not thinking of the consequences.
I got lucky, because my parents were ready to cover it up for me. My mother took her as her own baby, and everyone thought she was my little sister—a beautiful new addition. With this illusion, I was able to complete high school and move on to medical school. I don't know if one can call it bad luck in good luck, because the father is in a totally different country. Since this is a secret unknown to many, let me keep it safe and enjoy being a babymama in peace. After all, the arrangement was that he also leaves me in peace. Still, it is not much of a secret if I am telling you all the juicy details now. I don't know how to say this, but I feel like if I say it out loud, I am putting myself out there as less of a mother. Sometimes I feel like I haven't even earned the title of mother because other people did the heavy lifting so that I could be the heart surgeon I am today. I don't know if other people relate to this or if I am thinking way too much about things that no one is even looking into.
When dating, I hardly bring it up. But having a child so young also means that I don't have the pressure other women have when they are dating because they are running out of time for children. Maybe that is why I have no desire to compete with other women over a man. So Amanda, you can have him, I said in my head. I am risk-averse when I make such decisions. Would I be letting go of potential lifelong companionship just because I feel like I already have enough? But why can't I have it all?—the marriage, the additional children, the decades together.
The surgery—the emergency sternotomy for cardiac tamponade—was a success, and that is exactly the reason why I can allow my mind to wander and think of the less important things. I can think of the various ways I am going to break up, or not break up, with him. But can my love life really be left completely on the back burner? I don't hate him, I love him, but I want certainty. I want reassurance. I do not want the honeymoon phase, because the honeymoon fades; I want the security, the loyalty, and the friendship. The knowledge that through it all, he would be there. Should I go to a fortune teller to find out?
He is coming towards me. Should I pretend as if I haven't seen him? Do I do a 180 turn or just face him? I want to know what is going on in that big head of his. Am I being paranoid? Do I need him to buy me a thousand roses to prove his love for me, or am I just outwardly insecure? Maybe I am just a placeholder. What if he is just being nice? What if he is playing the long game? What if he hasn't broken up with me only because of my father?
Do I avoid hard conversations? What was Amanda doing with you? There is also this feeling in me that if I don't address it now, it becomes a mountain, and then it gets too complicated. Would I be immature if I avoid the hard conversation and hope that he just reads my body language and figures out what is wrong?
Enough. I looked at the OR plan for the next day on the wall: 1 Coronary Artery Bypass Grafting (CABG), 1 Aortic Aneurysm Repair, and 2 Valve Repairs.
Avoid the conversation altogether. Say that I am tired. Smile as if I didn't see anything earlier in the day. I buried my head in my palms, then raised my head, watched him walk towards me, and I knew what to say.
Stay tuned for Part 4.
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